For Christmas my son Jake gave me a "The Onion" desk calendar. It includes a daily Horoscope reading. For instance, on Monday my horoscope was:

Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and senstive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.

So that explains the pain in my back.

But I don't believe these horoscopes are very accurate. On Tuesday, mine said:

Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you're traded back and forth for packs of them.

As far as I know that never happened, unless I'm in some Fantasy Prison Football League that I don't even know about.